Loki Gets a Lawyer
by Theater Raven
Summary: Based on Norse mythology, with Tom Hiddleston's Loki in mind, of course.   Fed up with the crazy antics he has brought down upon them all, the Norse deities finally decide to hold Loki accountable and stage a trial. He's going to need some help.


Author's Note: This was written as an assignment for a playwriting class I took several years ago. It's a comedic take on several of the Norse myths, all, to quote Loki, "as just a means of a little fun", so I don't mean to step on anyone's traditions or religous beliefs. With that said, enjoy.

**Loki Gets a Lawyer**

SCENE 1 – ASGARD

[_In total darkness, loud shouts and cheering are heard, the noises rising to a climax, then, there is the sound of a great crunch as something is hit with a tremendous force and the cheers are replaced by abrupt, horrified silence.  
>Lights up on half of the stage to reveal Asgard, home of the Norse gods, its residents dressed in traditional Norse clothing and wearing modern cone-shaped party hats on their heads. An immense buffet table laden with food and drink is off to one side, its centerpiece being an enormous birthday cake that has a large slice missing from it. A large yellow duck-shaped piñata dangles from a tree, suspended from the branch by a noose around its neck.<br>_Hoder, _Odin's blind son, stands close to the piñata, holding Thor's hammer in his hand and smiling happily._ Odin_, king of the gods, and_ Thor, _the god of thunder, stand around the tree, staring in horror at a crumpled party hat near Hoder's feet, their expressions exaggerated, almost cartoonish._ Hel, _a Goth-like woman in her early twenties, the goddess who rules the realm of the dead, dressed in provocative black clothes, stands by the buffet table, completely unconcerned, smoking a cigarette._]

**Hoder**: Did I hit it? Did I hit it?

[Thor _and_ Odin _look at each other, then at the obliviously-excited Hoder, then at the hat at his feet._]

**Thor**: (_Trying to break the news gently_) It's not your fault, Hoder, I mean, you couldn't know because you're blind, but . . . you didn't hit the ducky. You hit Baldr.

**Hoder**: I did? Oh, no! Is he all right?

**Thor**: Of course he is! (Odin _and_ Hel _look at him strangely_) . . . That is, if one can classify being rendered flat as a pancake on one's birthday as "all right".

**Hoder**: Oh, no!

[Hoder _flings the hammer away as he drops to the ground;_ Thor _catches it with ease._ Hoder _feels around on the ground until he finds the crushed party hat and, consequently, the flattened, unseen remains of his brother._]

**Hoder**: Baldr, I'm sorry! Tell me, brother, can you move? (_The hat wiggles a little_) Can you stand? (_The hat wiggles harder, but no luck_)

**Odin**: (_To Hel_) Your father is going to pay _dearly_ for this!

**Hel**: (_Happily_) Great!

**Odin**: What?

**Hel**: "The greater the punishment, the better the crime," that's what my father always told me. So, what if you tie him to a rock and allow a snake to drip venom over his face?

**Thor**: What does _that_ have to do with anything?

**Hel**: I don't know. But it sounds excruciating. We mischief-makers must suffer for our art.

**Odin**: Blessed Valhalla, what kind of a household were you raised in?

[Hel_ just smiles and lights a new cigarette._ Odin _and_ Thor_ stare at her for a beat, clearly disturbed._]

**Thor**: (_Staring awkwardly at the hat_) Well, All-Father . . . how do you propose we handle this?

**Odin**: Thor, I want you to go to the royal kitchen and get a large amount of oil. Then go to the realm of the dwarves and ask them to make a giant spatula.

**Hel**: _That's_ your plan?

**Odin**: (_Ignoring Hel_) You'll need to get there as quickly as possible, Thor, so take my horse.

**Lok**i: (_Voice coming from under the buffet table_) Who you wouldn't have if it wasn't for me!

[Hel _lifts the table cloth, revealing her father,_ Loki,_ the god of mischief, hiding under the buffet table eating the slice that was cut from the cake, frosting all over his face._]

**Loki**: Who gave you Sleipnir, Odin? Who turned himself into a mare and bore the terrible agony of the labor of giving birth to a colt with eight legs just so you could have the fastest steed in all the nine realms?

**Odin**: Loki, come out here.

**Loki**: I'd like to finish my cake—

**Odin**: Out!

[Loki_ scrambles out from under the table and sets his plate with the unfinished cake on the table._]

**Odin**: Loki, let me ask you something: Do you suppose that any of _your_ children would take any pleasure whatsoever from having their bodies compressed in such a manner? (_Gestures to the flattened Baldr_)

**Hel**: (_Suggestively_) Well, actually, one night, after I'd moved out of the house and into my own realm, we had this really wild housewarming party and I—

[Loki _gives her a look that tells her both to shut up and also that, as her father, he doesn't want to hear the details of such escapades._]

**Odin**: Truly, Loki, what were you thinking? In what parallel plane of existence could something like _this_ (_Points to duck piñata_) _possibly_ be considered a good idea?

**Loki**: Mexico!

**Odin**: You simply have gone too far this time, Loki. I'm grateful you gave me Sleipnir, but this . . . this! Baldr, my pride and joy, the most brilliant of all the gods, the—

**Hoder**: (_Meekly_) What about me, Father?

**Loki**: Exactly! What about Hoder? I was simply trying to find an amusement for the festivities of Baldr's birthday that he could enjoy as well. Poor Hoder's always overlooked, always in Baldr's shadow!

**Odin**: And now he stands at the crumpled body of his brother because of you!

**Loki**: Baldr wouldn't _be_ crumpled if _somebody_ (_Glares at Thor_) didn't suggest that we give _a blind man_ a giant magical hammer capable of leveling mountains to use to break open a duckling made out of papier-mâché!

**Thor**: Well, we wouldn't have had to use my hammer if _you_ hadn't forgotten the traditional weapon of choice used in this ritual! Honestly, Loki, how hard is it to remember to get a stick?

**Loki**: You just be appreciative that you still _have_ your precious Mjölnir, Thor! It was only thanks to my quick thinking, Freyja lending us her necklace, and that beautiful wedding dress that we were able to get it back from the giant!

**Thor**: (_Hurt_) You said you wouldn't talk about that anymore!

**Odin**: Silence, both of you! {_Puts hands to head as if experiencing a massive headache_) I'm getting too old for this, I truly am. Loki, I don't know how many tricks you have left up your sleeve—

**Hel**: (_Cheerfully_) Don't forget about me!

**Odin**: (_Groans, buries face in hands_) No. No. Not another generation of this insanity, not more treachery to drive us mad . . . (_Is suddenly struck with an idea_) That will be your punishment.

**Loki**: What . . . what do you mean?

**Odin**: Should you lose the trial placed against you for this crime, you must surrender the two sons remaining in your household to my care.

**Loki**: You can't! How will they ever learn the wonderful ways of causing mischief and mayhem?

**Odin**: They won't.

**Hel**: My little brothers! They didn't do anything!

**Odin**: They will grow to be like their father.

**Hel**: Not Jörmungandr and Fenrir! Have a heart, Odin!

**Odin**: (_Gestures out to audience_) All of Asgard has witnessed his crime. I think I am being quite generous by going through the motions of a trial at all. I suggest you find your defense, Loki, (_Looks at Hel_) an _unbiased_ party.

[_Lights out._]

SCENE 2 – LAWYER'S OFFICE

[_Lights up on the other side of the stage, revealing_ Dennis Blanchard_, a seasoned lawyer dressed in 1940s attire, in his office, seated at his paper-cluttered desk with_ Loki _sitting across from him. A nearly-empty bottle of cheap whiskey sits on the desk._]

**Loki**: . . . And that's why I've sought you out, Dennis Blanchard.

**Blanchard**: Look, kid, if you insist on staying here and talking to me, it's Blanchard. Just Blanchard, got it?

L**oki**: As you wish.

**Blanchard**: I said if you _insist _on staying and talking to me. I can't help you.

**Loki**: What? Why not? You specialize in the representation of "extremely dangerous and sneaky mythological characters"!

**Blanchard**: Sure, kid, sure, I _used_ to. (_Takes a large swig from the whiskey bottle_) Used to be when I stepped into the courtroom, the defense would start quaking in their boots just at the sight of me. I could convince a jury of anything: Puck meant well by giving Demetrius' eyes the love potion, the gingerbread man was rightfully running away from an abusive home, Mordred wanted to take the throne from his father, Arthur, only because his mother conditioned him to do so . . . But then came _Jack v. the Giant_. Little Jackie was providing for his widowed mother by selling their cow, he said. They were starving, he said. Why sell the cow, then? She could have given them enough meat to last for months! And what idiot accepts three "magic" beans as a suitable currency? And, when the beans just happened to grow into an enormous beanstalk, why didn't he and his mother just eat the beans on the stalk? There was no reason whatsoever for him to trespass on the Giant's property and to steal from him! (_Takes out a cigarette and lights up_)

**Loki**: That's an impressive compilation of evidence.

**Blanchard**: Of course it is! But did _the jury_ think so? No! They voted in Jack's favor and the Giant had to give him all the food in his kitchen _and_ his hen that lays golden eggs! Now the little brat will grow up thinking it's okay to lie to get his own way—what kind of lesson is that?—and the Giant's a broken man who does nothing now but sit up in his cloud castle and mope.

**Loki**: Tragic.

**Blanchard**: Exactly. You don't want me on your side.

**Loki**: Don't despair. The loss of one trial surely could not shake the triumphs of your past cases.

**Blanchard**: Think again. Jack pulled so much wool over the press' eyes you could have made a sweater out of it! How could I represent such a monstrous creature as the callous, cannibalistic Giant, they asked me, someone who they said I knew was guilty but took his side for a paycheck.

**Loki**: But, then, if your reputation lies in ruins (BLANCHARD gives him a look)—no offense meant, of course—isn't a situation like mine what you need?

**Blanchard**: (_Puts out cigarette_) I haven't had a decent trial since December of '45. That was almost three years ago.

**Loki**: And what have you been doing since then?

[Blanchard _waves the whiskey bottle at him, then drinks from it._]

**Loki**: My good man, if you successfully defended such shady fellows as Puck and Mordred—believe me, I know how treacherous they can be, it's a long story—I refuse to let you end such an impressive career by drowning yourself in drink.

**Blanchard**: I'm not risking what little shards of reputation I have left over a case surrounding a birthday party gone wrong.

[Blanchard _takes out another cigarette and puts it in his mouth as_ Loki _makes a subtle hand gesture._ Blanchard _flicks on his lighter and is about to light the cigarette when he suddenly screams and drops the lighter, pulling the cigarette out of his mouth and staring at it._]

**Blanchard**: It . . . moved.

**Loki**: Really?

**Blanchard**: Yes! (_Puts cigarette back in mouth, same reaction_)

**Loki**: (_Smiling_) Enjoy your worm?

[Blanchard _throws the cigarette away and glares at Loki._]

**Loki**: And that's just child's play. I can do far worse.

**Blanchard**: Fine. I'm listening.

**Loki**: Good. At least I have your ear. Quite frankly, I don't see why I'm being accused of endangering anyone. I was trying to help! Odin made me in charge of finding festivities for the party! I wanted to find something Hoder could participate in and I did—savagely beating the paper animal until his stomach broke open to release treats!

**Blanchard**: (_Skeptically_) And for that he's going to take your children away?

**Loki**: Yes! My snake son, Jörmungandr, and Fenrir, the wolf.

**Blanchard**:. . . Well, considering you also birthed a horse with eight legs, I'm not surprised. So, what exactly does Odin plan to do to them?

**Loki**: He's going to wrap Jörmungandr around the world!

**Blanchard**: Is that even possible?

**Loki**: Of course it is! (_Pulls out a wallet, opens it to photo inside_) Behold his photograph! It looks like a tapestry with a diamond print on it! It's just one scale! _That's_ how big he is! He wouldn't fit into a picture! And now they're going to grab him by the tail and throw him so he'll wrap around the world!

**Blanchard**: Loki, calm down—

**Loki**: Poor Jörmungandr! He couldn't even play on climbing equipment when he was little! He'd tie himself in knots! And, if he's wrapped around the world, what happens when he has to shed his skin? It's difficult enough for him to do it in a straight line, but when he's all in coils—Do you have children?

**Blanchard**: No.

**Loki**: It's difficult to give _all_ of them enough attention, but you should try. And Odin didn't! I was considering Hoder! Imagine him sitting off by himself, all alone and unable to participate in the festivities of his brother's birthday simply because he can't see! I was trying to pierce his darkened world with a little sunshine, and Odin wants to punish me for that by barring me from _my own_ children? Time goes by so fast, even for immortal beings. I remember when they were all born—Jörmungandr wiggling out of his egg and Fenrir tumbling about as a tiny gray puppy. . . to think of them being taken away out of the fear of me simply raising them! I won't live without my babies, without knowing they're healthy, happy, causing mayhem! (Breaks down, resting his head on the desk)

[Blanchard _stares at him._]

**Blanchard**:. . . Loki? (_Reaches over and taps him on the shoulder_)

**Loki**: Will you help me?

**Blanchard**: Since you seem intent on insisting that I do and can probably do I-don't-want-to-know-what to me if I don't, then, yes.

**Loki**: You won't be disappointed.

**Blanchard**: (_Putting on fedora and trench coat_) I'd better not be.

[_They exit._]

END OF SHOW


End file.
